The No Good, Terrible, Very Bad Interview

So, I'm temping away my days and I love it.

I know that sentence is kind of hard to embrace, since it includes the words "temping" and "love," but seriously, this place has been good to me so far!

However, I am not here to ooh and ahh over my current, though possibly brief, employment stint. You will all be thrilled to know that I have been interviewing still, and I've got a good little morsel of a story for ya'll. Happy early St. Patrick's Day!

So, yesterday, day two of the temp job, I had an interview scheduled for 6:15 pm, giving me 45 minutes to commute north and be ready to rock and roll. They were actually great, because they agreed to stay around late so that I could come in without having to take time off of my second day in the office. However, I felt guilty doing it, since I want to stay where I'm at, and I couldn't tell anyone. So why wouldn't that be the day I leave at the same time as two of my new coworkers?! And why wouldn't we all be taking the exact same train north!? And why wouldn't they be curious to know what my confirmation phone call on the train was about!?

So, they both got off the train, and I continued on my way to the ever-so-discreet "meeting" I had just confirmed, feeling like a total schmuck. Awesome.

I arrive at the building and have to call the guy to let me in. He comes down to meet me, as I'm standing there in a purple dress with matching purple heels like someone out of Mad Men or something. And I shake hands with a boy in a black sweatshirt and jeans. Not only is he totally casual, but he doesn't seem to care about washing his hair, yet the side-swiped bangs make me think that's his most cherished feature. Hellllooo emo Pete Wentz.

So, I'm obviously excited. Ok, but seriously, having walked around in heels all day, the jeans were definitely appealing (not his, obviously, just jeans in general). The space was all cool and lofty, so things started looking up.

Until he walked into the conference room with my requested water... in a red plastic cup. You know, the ones that you see crushed on the ground covered in old booze and dirt at house parties. So, professionalism isn't really there thing then?

It continues.

I'm introduced to his associate, who seems nice enough, and we get started with the interview.

You know what I love? When interviews involve hearing a lot about a company and the position and all the perks and horrors of it all, while I interrupt every once in a while to mention my past experience and what I could bring. And what makes them even better?? When it is completely obvious that they are trying to sell you on the whole deal and not vice versa. Granted, I don't exactly enjoy selling myself to people, but isn't that what you're supposed to do in an interview? Yeah, things were going well.

Not only did they talk about all the horrible things that come from working there (the market is BAAADDDD, you don't really get paid because it's 100% commission, you have to work 10 hour days and you can't even leave for lunch), but they complained about things, bantered back and forth with sarcastic remarks, and actually mentioned that one person who was fired had been a bitch so it was totally fine.

And then they threw up the big, bloody, red flag. At least to little ole gay-friendly, feminist me.

"One thing we think it's necessary to warn people about is that we are not PC here."

Ummm.......

I get that being PC isn't always easy, or fun. And I understand that being PC sometime includes just being polite and considerate of others, and not swearing or burping or whatever. Oh WAIT. No, that's not the definition of PC. No, that's the definition of being a nice human being. So, PC means being considerate of others' beliefs and identities and all that fun stuff.

Or, as a fun little source you may have heard of called Mirriam-Webster puts it, political correctness is "conforming to a belief that language and practices which could offend political sensibilities (as in matters of sex or race) should be eliminated."

Yes, I looked up the definition.

That's how serious I take this.

Also, did they NOT see my resume, where I state that I studied Women's Studies and LGBT Studies in college?? WHY ARE THEY INTERVIEWING ME??!?

Anyways, I'd heard enough at that point. Especially when the side-swipe dude let me know that no one ever gets really offended, although there was one time when he did.

Ten bucks says it was regarding his hair.

So, they finally complete the 'interview' and I think I'm free to go home and get some sushi with the bf. Nope. Oh no. No, I need to meet with one of the partners now. Awesome. But, even better than staying to talk with yet another person, side-swipe continues on to tell me that this partner man is going to purposefully try to bore me and I need to make sure I look attentive. And then they left me to wait for the partner to come in.

Yes, I completely thought about, and even visualized, what it would be like to just get up and book it out of there. The conference room I was in was right in the front of the office, and everyone else was further back. They wouldn't have even see me go.

Buuuuuttt... they also had my name and all my info, and that's just shady for me to do, even if I don't want the job. That's like when someone doesn't ever respond to an email that's personally directed to them. Yes, I have specific examples of these types of situations. I think you probably figured that one out though.

Anywho, I stayed. And the guy came in and talked, for probably TWENTY MINUTES, about the history of the company and what the company is all about and so, so, so much more that I didn't care about. But oh, I was VERY attentive. I smiled, laughed, nodded in agreement, made sure my eyes were wide and didn't stray away. This? Is why I am an actress. Haha.

But guess what? It STILL DOESN'T END HERE! Seriously, it actually continues to spiral downhill. So he finally finishes up his shpiel and decides to actually learn something about me. He asks me where I grew up and we talk about how good Midwest people are.

Then he asks me what my parents do for a living. Um, ok? How does this pertain to me getting a job? So I mention my dad's company and start to say how my mom volunteers. But no, he jumps right into asking what my dad DOES at his company. WHAT?! WHY? I'm now totally uncomfortable, and kind of pissed off, so I give the snoozer my dad's full title (Obviously, I'm talking about President Obama here, which is why this is sooooo uncomfortable.). He says something along the lines of wow or some other remark that doesn't help my irritation, and moves on to asking more about my siblings and my interests and yadda yadda.

Meanwhile, because this is not over YET, side-swipe comes back in (later telling me he did so in order to break up the boringness of the partner guy) and the two of them have a back and forth banter of sorts.

Which leads to the next and scariest part.

Snoozer partner tells side-swipe: "I like her. Let's hire her. Let's hire her right now."

Internal Me: FFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKKKK. Ohgodohgodohgod. Now I have to tell them to their faces that I don't want to do this, and they are going to ask me questions about it and I have to be polite and they may try to convince me and I just want to LEAVE!

Side-swipe: Well, we should probably get you in for another interview, so that you can sit down with a team.

Internal Me: Ohthankheavens.

External Me: Ok, great!

They then tell me they want to do it during normal office hours, obviously, since it's a team of people, and I let them know I'll talk to my current temp bosses and see if they'll let me leave early one day to interview. Which of course I'm not going to do since I have no desire for the position and my temp job has the potential to become a real job that I would probably enjoy.

We say goodbye, I book it out of there, I'm awkwardly stopped on the stairs so side-swipe can give me his card, and then I am GONE. An hour and a half later. Starving, crabby, and no longer able to do my 6 loads of laundry as planned.

Two days later? I send side-swipe a very happy-go-lucky email saying thanks but no thanks since I don't think it will suit my interests and I can't take on the demands of the position currently. Meaning I don't want to hear people swearing up a storm all day and offending their coworkers and living in an office trying to earn a single dollar.

And so, the now lukewarm job hunt continues. As I try to patiently wait for word as to whether I'll be working beyond two weeks. Oof.

Meanwhile, you'll be hearing more horror stories on the job hunt, I'm sure!

You will be shot for this!

The baby lady did not call me back!

Story of my life. Well, minus the 'baby lady' part.

Here's another fun little diddy though...

So, yesterday, first interview with a company for a little while now. Whoohoo!

The one word I'd use to sum up the experience?

DOUCHE.

Douche, douche, douche.

And I'm not talking about keeping clean. I'm talking about the attitude of a person.

Let me start at the beginning. I had received a call from an international staffing agency, that we will leave unnamed, about my resume I had posted on one of the tons of job search engines. Apparently they were looking for a recruiter and were interested in me. The guy who called told me to check out their site and call him back if I was interested. I looked it over briefly, reading about what they do, who they find jobs for, where they're located, and all that jazz. I called him back and let him know I was interested, expecting to talk in more detail. Nope. He said great, here's when you should come in for an interview, see you then. So I was going into this thing a little more blind than I expected.

So yesterday, I checked out the site again before my interview and discovered a somewhat hidden link to the internal position I was interviewing for, and started to read about the details.

Oh f*ck.

It was all sales. Like big time sales. Not the kind of recruiting I was interested in. Boo. I kind of had expected it, but seeing it in writing confirmed my fears. So, I debated pulling out (that's what he said?) of the interview, but I thought I might as well go in and learn more and see if there's maybe something I missed that makes it sound better, or if they had another position or something better suited for me.

I get all dressed up, and in killer pink heels might I add (thanks Angie!), and head downtown. Turns out, the office was 10 floors below my boyfriend's office. Ironic, but kind of awesome. Unless I got the job and then for some unforeseen reason we broke up and hated each other and then saw each other in the lobby and it was awkward and awful and one or both of us cried and then I had to quit to get away and then all my friends picked him over me and I became unemployed and alone and sunk to the level of loving cats and got 7 and shared cat food with them and talked to them as if they were children and walked them on leashes around the neighborhood in a velor sweatsuit and crocs with socks. Or something along those lines. I haven't really thought about it too much or anything.

Annnnyyywhooo, I go in for the interview and discover the guy I had spoken with on the phone was out for the day for some reason, so I'm meeting with some other guy.

Now, those of you in sales, you probably think this is silly of me to describe this situation as douchey because I should have expected it, but I didn't because I'm so sweet and kind and wonderful. Hahaha. But really, I didn't know what to expect, it just definitely wasn't this.

The new guy starts talking immediately about what the company is about and what they're looking for, without asking me a thing. Now, I'm assuming he grabbed my resume right before he walked in the room, since someone else had been handling my info earlier, so you'd think he'd want to know more about me a little first? NOPE. He tells me the job is hard, but the company is great, and then he talks about money. I, being Jewish and all, am not comfortable talking about money. Actually, I shouldn't throw my people under the bus like that, as I feel most people are a little awkward about talking money, especially two minutes into an interview. So he's talking about the half million you can make in the industry and yadda yadda yadda. And then he moves on to my resume and asking me questions.

He asked me two questions total.

Question number one: (He glances at my resume, which could have been upside down and I doubt he would have noticed) Tell me about your previous experiences.

So I talk about my last jobs and how they'd relate to this position, including my 3 month stint with Careerbuilder, and why I left the company after that short of a time period.

And then he decided to tell me that my resume is basically crap, since my jobs are all somewhat short term and that makes him doubt my loyalty. Well, not him, but probably his boss (he liked backhand insulting me and then blaming it on what his boss would potentially say).

And here is what I wanted to say but of course didn't: Dude. If you would look over my resume in a little more detail, and maybe ask me a few more questions, you would realize that I've been in the actual working world for a little over two years and I have had a total of three jobs. One in Madison, which was temp because I was moving to Chicago in the autumn, and then two in Chicago. One wasn't right for me, and then less than a month after I left that one, I started with the place I was at for over a year before they laid me off, which guess what? Wasn't something I was exactly happy about, since I liked it there and was (gasp!) really loyal to them, and still am even in my unemployed state. Everything else was in college, and by everything else, I mean the two jobs I had in my four and a half years there, the second one being basically a promotion my first one within the university. So I'm sorry I haven't held down one job for seven years, but I've been a little busy getting educated and finding my place in a new city. Sorry if that's a concern for you.

But no, I kept my mouth shut and smiled and nodded and pretended like what he said was totally justified based on our five minute long conversation thus far.

Question number two: Where are you looking to go in your career path?

I explain that I'm interested in HR recruiting, and that I've been looking specifically at positions in that field, as well as more basic admin work.

And then he says this. Let me give you a word of advice.

Now, let's remember how this all started. They recruited me. They saw my resume, called me, and brought me in for an interview without asking these very very basic questions over the phone.

His word of advice? Don't say HR OR recruiting when meeting with recruiters. Because they are basically the opposite of each other. Total enemies. Recruiting is sales, and HR is more compensation packages and admin work and things like that. Saying HR OR recruiting to them is a big red flag.

What I wanted to say but of course didn't? I'm sorry, but did I ever use the word OR in my sentence? Because if you listened, instead of talking about yourself and your job the whole time, you would have realized that I said HR Recruiting, meaning I want to recruit in an HR position more so than be in sales. Aka, I DON'T WANT THIS JOB. THIS IS A WASTE OF MY TIME. YOU ARE A TURD. Goodbye.

Instead, I smiled and nodded and pretended he was super nice and helpful and interesting. He then told me that he'd bring my resume and the information we discussed to his boss and they'd be in touch.

And then he compared their job hunt to an execution, "lined up against a wall and shot at" style. That's how they're selecting candidates? Lining everyone up, picking out who to kill, and who to keep? Awesome. BYE.

And that was that. I debated emailing them and withdrawing, but then I realized they'd be the people who'd laugh at that, pointing out how I actually thought I had a chance and I'm hurting them by withdrawing. So screw that. I'm giving them the silent treatment. Real mature, huh?

Wanna know what the douchebag did two hours later? Asked me to join his network on LinkedIn. Probably because he wanted to show me all his connections and 'guide' me on my path in life. Thanks, but no thanks.

And that was that experience. One more for the books.

A word to the wise, try not to insult the people you're recruiting for a position, whether or not you think they're a good fit. It just doesn't reflect well upon your company, even if it is a cutthroat environment. Or reference executions. Also, kind of an odd way of promoting what you do there. Just sayin'...

Excuse me, I believe you have my stapler...

Milton may have been laid off and never told about it, which isn't what happened here, but we both have been moved around all over the place without a lot of regard for what we're interested in.

Yes, I just compared myself to Milton Waddams from Office Space. And now we're going to pretend I didn't just do that, and move on.

Staffing Agencies. I love to hate them, but they're the only ones who can get me a bunch of interviews sometimes.

And those interviews can lead to some great stories, let me tell you.

To start, when I threw myself into this job hunting process, I was getting calls based on my newly updated resume on Careerbuilder and the like, and lots of those were from staffing agencies who either saw my resume or who I unknowingly submitted an application to when I applied for a job somewhere. So, I spoke with two staffing agencies about different positions probably the first week I started looking. One was about a job that I was not interested in, but who wanted to have me come in and interview for other jobs they had open that I might be better for. The other was for a job that sounded ok to me.

So, off I went to both agencies in one week (I hope they're not reading this, because I don't know if I am technically allowed to have two agencies working with me!)

The first one, for the job I didn't want, was kind of like my previous experience with a staffing agency in Madison... except this time I didn't end up going in for an interview and actually end up signing paperwork for the job I was apparently starting a few days later. Well, that kind of did happen. But I'll get back to that. Anyways, it was a dingy, behind-the-times office where I filled out a shit-ton of paperwork, wrote my SSN about 30 times (not nerve-wreaking at all!), and had to take time-consuming and dumb tests about Microsoft Office and my typing skills. At least they didn't send me to a doctor to cut 100 strands of hair off my head at the root though... I'm not interested in having weird baldish spots under my hair again.

After all of this, they start sending me to a variety of interviews for different jobs. Mind you, I told them right away that while I'm on severance pay still, I'm not lowering my standards for positions, meaning I don't want to take a pay cut or work temp jobs... at least not until the need for paychecks becomes real. Well, this information is apparently not important. Because I don't think I went on a single interview that fit within those requests, most of which I didn't know until it was too late. But hey, they get paid when I get paid... so I see where the priorities lie.

First, they sent me to interview for an office manager for an advertising firm. This one was actually not a bad one at all. However, I was pretty much given an entirely different job description from the staffing agency and went into my interview believing the info I knew was correct. And kind of made an ass of myself for it. I had been led to believe it was an 8-5 Monday through Friday position, and hourly wages, which is ideal for my theatre pursuits. And so I talked about doing theatre in the evenings. Turns out it was a salaried position that expects some evening availability. Which I totally have, but spoke as if I didn't. And screwed it up royally. So, I quickly learned to ask more questions about the position when talking to the staffing agency, and use more discretion when interviewing.

Second, I was sent to do a 'working interview' for a media company. I was told that I get paid for the day, and it's basically a test of my skills and personality and if they like me, they might ask me to come back the next day. I was also told this was for an HR position, which is what I'm trying to find. So... awesome!!

Ummm yeah... not so much. Turns out it was strictly a temp position that had nothing to do with HR and basically consisted of me answering 8 phone calls and filing their receipts from 2008 onward. And the best part? They apparently thought it was my first day on the job and I was introduced to the whole company at their staff meeting. Mid-morning I realized it was not what I thought it was and at lunch I called the staffing agency. When I finally spoke to the woman, she said they JUST changed their requirements for the HR position and so I'm no longer qualified, but they liked me and wanted to take me on as a temp for tasks like the ones I had been doing. I was kind of furious at this point. Then, I had to act as a middle man between the staffing agency and their client, explaining what I had been told of the position and how I wasn't currently looking for temp work. However, because I felt guilty about it all, I told her I'd work out the rest of the week so I didn't leave them hanging. Finally, I spent the rest of the day filing for them, until the woman there told me that they decided to bring on someone new the next day I was free to go. Ridiculous. Now (two weeks later), I am still battling it out with the staffing company so I get paid for that "working interview." Oy vey.

Third, and so far, last for this agency, they sent me to an interview for an executive assistant position. But it's not just for your average company. Oh no, no, it's for a self-help guru's organization. Seriously. And I had to do these extensive 'personality' tests before I interviewed. Which of course aren't compatible with a Mac, so something got screwed up and I had to sort it all out with the agency before I could do the interview. So, it gets all arranged and I show up at the office. I'm led into an office with another guy who's competing for the job. And we're told we have to do some more 'personality tests.' So, we start out with a timed one, that's more about math and English than my personality, but whatever. The woman comes in and takes those away, and gives us another one. This one is a true or false one, and no joke, the first question T/F statement is "I think it's okay to shoplift on occasion." It continues on for 49 more statements, including two in a row that were "I have been noticing changes in my body" and "I like guns." By these two, I'm laughing out loud. The dude and I both finish and we're kind of joking about the questions, and I told him my favorite was the gun one. His response? 'I feel like I should say true since I'm sort of a Republican." I have no comment in response to this. Then I start looking around the office. And I see Jesus. EVERYWHERE. There are about 7 different Jesus statues and pictures. My level of uncomfortableness has hit a new high. I don't know whether to laugh or cry or run away. Well, turns out, I didn't need to make the decision. They did it for me. The woman finally comes back in the room... oh, and this was probably important to know, but they had said at the beginning that if you pass the 'personality testing' you'd move on to an interview... and says "Thank you Nicole. You're free to go."

I failed the first personality test. She didn't even see my T/F answers. I have no idea what happened. And apparently, they don't let the staffing agency know how people pass or fail (great use of having a staffing agency send you potential hires, huh?) so I truly have no idea what occurred.

So, I of course came up with my own theory. They had cameras in the room and saw my panicked face at the Republican comment and the Jesuses, and realized I am a liberal Jew and kicked me the hell out of there. There's no other logical explanation.

And that was my experience with the first staffing agency I visited. They haven't called me in over a week now. Granted, I'm not their ideal person to find a job for I'm sure, since I'm definitely picky. But also? I am kind of grateful that they're ignoring me. Because, while having lots of interviews lined up is great, it was obvious they weren't going to hook me up with a job I'd enjoy. But I'll keep you posted if something new comes up, because I am not one to turn down interviews, especially now that this blog is up and running. And we all know it'll be a good story if it's coming from this agency!

Oh, and the other staffing company? Great office, well-kept, up-to-date, friendly and younger employees. But apparently lacking positions that are a good fit for me, as I haven't heard a thing since that first interview. I wasn't a good fit for the job I went in to interview for I guess, but they asked a ton of questions about me and what I'm looking for, and we even had mutual friends. So, I'll take not hearing from them over going on pointless interviews any day!

And thus far, my experience with staffing companies. I am now avoiding applying for positions that come through agencies, which is frustrating sometimes, but I just can't get tangled up in more than two at a time, especially if they're like the first one. And also because they take your social security number right away, and I just don't want that all over the place, ya know?

So, next up then? The three-week-long-process-so-far, only-potential-position I am still a contender for...