Rockin' the Suburbs!

So, I ended up going to that interview.

And yes, I feel shady about it.

But, in my own defense, I kind of forgot to cancel it and felt it was better to just go than to cancel last minute.

Yep, that's a weak defense.

Anyways, it's keeping this blog going for the time being, so I guess no one can complain (except the company, for me having wasted their time, though they don't really know it).

So, in order to prepare myself for this interview, I did nothing. Literally, it was at 1:30 on Wednesday, and I probably got out of bed at 11am, showered at 11:30, and then realized at 12:15, 15 minutes before I planned on leaving, that I hadn't printed out and filled in the application they had emailed me, nor printed out a fresh copy of my resume.

Instead of doing all of that, I just printed out the application and threw it in my bag, then grabbed an older version of my resume that I already had a copy of and brought that with me. We were off to a good start!

Of course I get on the road late, so I now have 45 minutes to get out to this office in the 'burbs, but since Google says 35 minutes total without traffic and it's the middle of the afternoon, I assume I'm fine.

Yeah, I forgot that I get lost. Always. No matter if I have the directions on my phone right in front of me. If I were smart, I'd get a GPS system, but I'm cheap, so my phone is the big step up from the old post-it note method I used before I got the phone (seriously, I couldn't waste the paper or the time printing out directions, so I'd copy them on a post-it. And you're wondering why I get lost so much?). I of course drive past the building (thanks to the INCORRECTNESS of Google maps!) and then for some reason I am literally stuck in stand-still traffic. No idea why. I had the feeling I drove past the building already (booyah women's intuition!), so I turn left out of the traffic, see that a construction truck has stopped the cars completely to work on something and am immediately glad I moved, then drive back through side roads and watch the building numbers go back down toward the number I was looking for. I pull in two minutes after the interview was supposed to start, with a non-filled-out application in my bag, and unbelievable congested from allergies.

The woman who I had been speaking with over the phone comes down to meet me, and I hate to say it because it shows how damn judgmental I am (ok, I don't know why I hate to say it because I'm pretty sure this blog has outed me on that big time already), but she was much dorkier looking than I had expected. Like, would fit right in with the company I worked with in Madison, where people thought sweatpants were appropriate work attire because they were not jeans. But she was super nice, and totally fine with me both being late and not having the application filled out. I started out my interview filled with lies by saying I found printer paper right before I left.

And I don't like to lie in interviews. Ever. I mean, I'll extend the truth or I'll be polite, but I don't flat out lie.

I lied about everything.

She takes me to the office, and it's a huge room that seems to be filled with empty cubicles. It's in the suburbs, a bitch of a drive away from my current apartment and would be even worse if/when I move closer to the city and the lake in the fall, and there's no one there. Swwwweeeeetttt.

(Side note: I'm in a coffee shop right now, and some guy next to meet is doing some weird exercises with a man who seems to be a mattress salesman. They're talking about magnetics. Ummm... WTF?)

Anywho, we go into an office where I can hear every single word, and loudly, of the party in the next room. Or at least that's what it seemed to be. And it was Cinco de Mayo, so it probably was. Hey, nerdy insurance people like to party too!

I'm talking over them about my past experiences, and telling her I still haven't heard back from the other company yet (LIES!) so I have nothing going on currently. It seems to be going fine, and we're getting along great...

(Second side note: SHIT. I feel bad. Turns out that the sales man guy, who just stood up to leave and I was about to make fun of him...in my head... for carry his samples or whatever in a big backpack, is BLIND. Oops. I suck.)

...and the job itself seems alright. I mean, besides the location, it seems to pay well, they work 37.5 hour work weeks but get paid for the typical 40 hour one, have good holiday and vacation times, and, judging from the sounds of the partying next door, is enjoyed by the employees. So, maybe I shouldn't have written it off immediately?

She then lets me know that she's going to have two people who hold the position I was interviewing for come in and talk to me about it. So these two come in, and the dorky status of the company skyrockets. I mean, it seemed like I was talking to two people who lived for their job. And they both said that they hang out with the other people in the position all the time. Like carpooling, eating lunch, going out at night hanging out. Don't get me wrong, that's all fun and games in some companies, but for me, who would be coming from the city and trying to maintain a life in theatre in the evenings, it sounded like I would never join in with them and be flagged as a snob. Which I totally am, but who wants to be known as one by other people?? Not to mention, everyone's lack of style was scaring me.

So, we talk about the position and it still sounds fine. I tried to crack a few jokes, but no one seemed on board, so I stopped trying to be cute and funny and just listened. And got bored. Oof.

So they leave, and the woman comes back, and says she wants me to meet her boss now. Obviously, this means the interview is going well. I'm envisioning this big sales-y guy (since he was the head of the salespeople as well as the recruiters) who had intimidated everyone into talking about how great he is. Seriously, all three of the people I spoke with raved about how great, and caring, and welcoming, and everything else rainbows and sunshine that he was. Which means, he's probably scary and fake nice to everyone, and has eyes everywhere so you have to talk kindly of him at all times.

We walk into his office, and there I stand, face to face,

With a little Jewish man in round glasses.

Seriously. You know, Schindler's List? What am I saying, of course you know Schindler's List! Who wouldn't?? It's my annual Easter movie. Anyways, this man was Ben Kingsley's character, Stern. I swear.

So, I sit down, ready to talk about my experience, and he tells me he doesn't want to interview me really, but wants to make sure I understand the position because they want somebody who is right for it and will like it and who won't want to leave after a few months. Well, duh. And honestly, that's not really me. Buuuuttt, why would I ever tell him that?? So I listen to him go on and on about the job and company, which I have now heard about waaay too many times, and because I stereotyped him as Jewish (and rightly so, but I'll get to that in a minute), it's hysterical to hear him talk about how great something is and then IMMEDIATELY contradict that by saying it's hard, or it's not always fun. I mean, it was like talking to a quite, polite, soft-spoken Gollum. Hi-larious.

So, when he finally asks me a few questions, he lets me know he's concerned about my location because of the commute and how that might be discouraging. I assure him it wasn't bad driving there and since I can mainly avoid the highway, it doesn't seem like an issue at all (LIES!). Then he asks me about any vacations they should know about ahead of time. So, even though I wouldn't have wanted to bring this up in an interview, he asked and I had a feeling he'd get it. And he did. I asked if he was familiar with Birthright and he said very familiar. Of course. His son went on it and who knows, maybe he donates. We talked about Israel for a bit, and he totally opened up, probably because he knew I was one of the Chosen People now, so we were basically family.

Oh, and I almost forgot to mention! Remember how I said I had horrible allergies when I got there? Well, when I was talking to the other people, I literally couldn't breathe through my nose. Which was awesome. But not as awesome as when I was talking to Schindler's Stern and my nose decided that was the perfect time to start running! Well I didn't want to whip out a Kleenex right then, so I tried to subtly sniffle it back in, which didn't work. So then I tried to casually wipe at it with my hand. Also didn't work, and kind of made things more awkward. So instead, I sat there with my head slightly tilted to the side, hoping it was actually dripping out of my nose.

I am a CLASS ACT.

Anyways, after all that fun, I finished the application and took off, spending the rest of the afternoon in a suburban Target, shopping with mother/nannies and small children, one of which (mother or nanny, not a small child) was actually wearing the Sketcher's Shape-Ups or whatever they're called. Aka, Frankenstein shoes. Oof. Thanks for reminding me why I like living in the young professionals-filled neighborhood in the city, Mrs. Suburban Mom!

Then today, I see I have a voicemail but no missed call for some reason. I listen to the voicemail, and it's the lady from the interview, asking me to call her back.

I immediately get nervous. Like really nervous. I don't know what to say to her! Do I wait until they offer me a position to tell them I already took one?? Do I just say it right away? How do I say it? I have to lie again, but I don't want to and I'm convinced I'm going to be caught! Shit.

So, after listening to that at 12:30, I spent the next 3 hours on the couch watching the Kardashians (The three sisters were in a big fight and poor Kim was being picked on!! I felt for her. It was a good episode.), then went to the gym til 4:30, showered and at 5:12 realized their days end at 5:15 there and I hadn't called her back yet! Shit. I don't want to drag this out another day!

So I call her back, of course get her voicemail which makes things more awkward for me, and leave a rambling uncomfortable message. Seriously, it was ROUGH. I said her call never registered for some reason and I just now listened to her voicemail because I was running around all day (LIES!), and that I was just offered the other position today and am thinking about taking it (LIES!), and mainly because of the location (TRUTH!), and that she can call me back if she has any questions or anything, but it was a great company and it was great meeting them and again, she can call me back if she wants to talk about anything further, but if I don't here from her after this, again, it was great meeting her.

Oof.

And that was that. I ended it all with an awkward, and somewhat cowardly voicemail (since I didn't have the balls to say I took the other job and I start on Monday!). I'm assuming she won't call me back. If she does, it's gonna be even more awkward, so I'm actually really really hoping she doesn't. I'm sure you all kind of want her to, but seriously, that's too much awkwardness, even for me.

So, there you go. My special interview just for the blog, and for all of you. I hope you enjoyed it. And don't worry, I've come up with a plan to continue this and it's in the works. I'll let you know shortly what new stories you will be able to look forward to reading! Also, I'll probably tell you about how I submitted this as a writing sample for a website. But not yet. It's too soon for that one.

It's not the end after all!