I have been silenced.
Honestly, I don't know why this surprises me. If you've been paying attention at all in the last year or so, it's pretty clear this was bound to happen. We all know who I work for, who's running my day to day basically. And we all know Big Brother wants to watch you, but also keep you silent, unless you drink their Kool-Aid. Which I clearly do not.
Apparently silencing is the thing that really kills my soul here.
Which also shouldn't surprise me, since I will literally FLIP OUT on anyone who tries to shush me. Seriously. Ask me to shut up, yell at me, whatever. Just do NOT shush me or I will cut a bitch. I must have some childhood trauma from an elementary teacher shushing me. Oh wait, that happened ALL THE TIME. Let me pause from my work tales of woe to tell you a little story about a small, lively, chatty girl living in Georgia.
Yes, I lived in Georgia.
When I was in kindergarten, we moved down south. My parents loved to move in the middle of the school year when we were kids, so I always got to be the new girl mid-year. Luckily, it was when I was little (all before 3rd grade), so it wasn't too hard to make new friends, as I'm sure it would have been later in my education. Anyways, moving mid-year from Wisconsin to Georgia meant I went from a solid Midwestern education to a classroom in a trailer behind the school in the deep South. I do not joke. We were a little overcrowded. This also meant I went from a glorious half day at the school a short walk from my house to a terrifying full day at a school 45-minutes on a bus away from home. In kindergarten.
What does a full day of kindergarten mean? Nap time.
Now? I would KILL for nap time every day. Though I'd probably read instead of sleep. Because here's the thing. I'm not a good napper. Based on this memory, I'm going to go ahead and say I never was all that great at it, but my mom will have to confirm that one for you. Being forced to sleep at a specific time everyday is not my thing.
Actually, it looks like being forced to do anything isn't my thing. See all my previous posts about my job.
So one day, this lively little Chatty Cathy* (*name has been changed to work well in the story) was forced to lay down on a mat in the middle of the classroom in the middle of the afternoon in the dark, and go to sleep. Yeeeaaaahhhh, that didn't go so well. I started whispering to the people next to me, because guess what? I wasn't tired. I wanted to LEARN, dammit!!!
Nah, I probably just wanted to talk, but still.
Now, in the good ole state 'o Georgia back in the day, there were probably 2000 kids in my elementary school. TWO THOUSAND KIDS. Hence the classroom trailers in the back. I've heard it has since become two schools, but who cares now. I'm back in the Midwest!! Anyways, on top of being that crowded, you also only interacted with your classroom every day, all day. In Wisconsin, we had teams and you knew everyone in your grade. In Georgia, you knew the kids in your class, and maybe a few others throughout the school who were your neighbors. Everyone else was STRANGER DANGER.
So, when I got in trouble for talking during nap time (because, let's face it, I still don't really know how to whisper properly), my punishment (I'm assuming it got to the punishment level because I ignored being shushed multiple times) was to be sent to another kindergarten classroom for the rest of nap time. Which, for a 6 year old, is pretty terrifying. Because not only do you know NO ONE in that room, but you don't know the teacher, you just got in trouble in front of everyone, and you're walking into a strange room that's dark and silent. Pretty sure I laid on my mat and cried. I definitely did not sleep.
And I'm just going to self-analyze here and say that this is the start of my hatred of shushing. Because not only did I never learn my lesson from that, but I also never learned how to talk really quietly (aka, whisper). So I got shushed A LOT as a kid in school.
But now, I'm an adult. And guess what. I'm going to talk when I want to because I know when it's appropriate and when it's not now. (Ok, that's not really true either. But seriously, DON'T SHUSH ME. I'm not kidding... Drew.)
And apparently, talking to coworkers is no longer appropriate under the rule of Big Brother.
Now, I'm completely jumping to conclusions here, but let's just go with it. We recently moved almost everyone to new desks, which is usually pretty exciting. My new desk is actually pretty nice. However, the way we're spread out in the office, I'm not a fan of. Because now I'm in my own little Guam, where I sit with my back to my team and no longer talk out loud pretty much all day long. Working for eight-plus hours a day without having real, out-loud conversations with people makes me feel INSANE. I am not even being dramatic about it either. I seriously feel a little crazy by the end of the day. I send emails as long as this post to friends to feel like I'm not all up in my head. However, writing an email is completely all up in your head, so that's a stupid idea. Writing this blog? Also kind of stupid for the same reasons. I'm not actually TALKING TO PEOPLE. I'm just writing in a public diary, or in the case of emails, a more private public diary.
Thank GOD for gchat. Seriously, people at Google (who are obviously reading this), thank you for making a cooler, more used version of AIM. Without gchat, I'd be stabbing my eyeballs out with the unsharpened Disney princess pencil I have at my desk (???). However, unfortunately, most of my friends also work during the day, and I'm going to go ahead and assume their jobs are more a) time consuming, b) interactive with things other than a computer, and c) fulfilling. So they can't always gchat at the level I can.
So instead, I listen to the Lord of the Rings soundtrack on my iPod (ok, that's just something I did recently and it was to drown out the sounds of other people's [loud] music and the crazy-inducing sound of typing) and stare out the window when I need a break. Sometimes, I jealously listen to other people who sit closer together talk to each other. Or watch them as they actually get up and go talk to friends. Apparently I'm not in that club, or I can't think of anything important enough to say to entice moving and interrupting someone's work (I have a lot to say, but none of it's important). I'm assuming I'm more annoying than anything when I do try to have conversations at work. Again, see the part about having a lot to say and none of it being important.
Most of the time, I just think about everything social I'm going to do at the end of the work day. Having my second job is a HUGE lifesaver. And luckily I can be the ridiculous, over-the-top, loud, sometimes annoying, goofball that I am at that job. I think I would just up and quit Big Brother's world without a new job lined up if I didn't have another outlet to feel like myself again. Having a solid group of friends who also want to be social after work is amazing too. These are all the people who leave me with one night a week to watch all my DVRed TV, and while I will always complain about it (I'm a Jew folks, that won't ever change), I absolutely love being that busy. If I could make being social and interacting with people my job, I'd do it.
Oh wait, that's what I'm trying to do!!!!
I certainly hope it happens soon. Who knows what's going to happen next here after this silencing? I bet they find my blog and I suddenly disappear. If that happens, someone who actually know me and what I do and where I work, deal with it, please?! K, thanks.
Meanwhile, I'm going to continue to talk anyone's ear off the minute I get out of this silent soul-sucking site (See! I'm alliterating! I need to communicate more or else I will sink into nerdy words and poetic structures!!!). And yes, that includes my bus driver. Who, by the way, is actually very nice and his name is Rolando (I think. I'm so horrible.) and he has to take care of his mom because she recently broke her ankle taking the dog outside at midnight. And he still gives me free rides when I need them (aka, the two weeks I was without a bus pass). The other one, I don't see anymore. Whew.
And now, back to silence. Because I'm counting this post as talking to people.
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