"Soy un perdedor..."

I have been a bbbiiiigggggg hypocrite. Aka, a loser baby. Aka, the Beck lyrics in the title.

So, I've been reading through some of my more recent posts here, and let's just say I am unhappy with the tone of them.

I set out to write this sucker because of the encouragement I was getting from my friends to share the stories I had been telling them about some of the ridiculous interviews I had been going on. Now that I look it over, a few months later, I discovered something.

My hypocrisy.

The last few post have been more about my bitching and moaning, and less about the awkwardness that I bring about in my life sometimes. And I'm not okay with that.

I'm sure you've guessed this already, but I used to be a journal writer. Big shocker, I know, right? Anyways, I would write in my journal about all the crap I was dealing with, but rarely about all the good things that happened in my life. I mean, that's what it's for, isn't it? A private place to vent about the people and places and things that are frustrating you. And I definitely used it for that majority of the time.

And when blogs first came about, and people started writing things for the world to see, especially private and personal things, I was appalled. WHO WOULD DO THAT? Why would you want to publish that stuff for others to read about. I'm telling you, even Anne Frank would have been appalled by the blogging world. She wrote about embarrassing stuff too, and as much as she wanted to be known, I doubt she really wanted people to see the parts where she was pining away for Peter and complaining about all the people she lived behind that bookshelf with! And I can make this assumption because I'm a girl. And (you knew this one was coming) a Jew. And I'm going to Israel this summer, which makes me an even better Jew! But that's another story for another time.

Anyways, my point is, I thought that people bitching and moaning across a blog was ridiculous and disgusting and annoying and I hated those people.

Ruh roh.

I mean, maybe you don't see it as a big whine session as I do, since I'm my toughest critic (and that's not just a saying. For me, that's 100% true). And you've apparently been coming back for more, so I haven't driven you off yet. But I see it as that, especially recently.

And so I apologize. I apologize for making assumptions about things that happen in interviews and interactions with others, and then complaining about how rude and crass and spiteful they were, without really thinking twice about where those things were actually coming from. I apologize for using my own personal anger and frustration with the way my life has been going lately to judge situations I've been lucky to be placed in. I mean, although I've been out of work for 3 months now and I'm at a point where I have to take anything that's offered to me... no matter how low paying or brain-cell-killing it is... I also have had a ton of opportunities to interview for some great jobs (and of course some not-so-great ones too), I've been able to make money for a brief time period so that even though I've got nada for a current income I at least can survive for a time, and I've had a huge and marvelous support system through all of it. You all included.

So, basically, what I'm trying to say is that I need to shut the hell up about situations that were really only bad because I twisted them around into my own dark, dismal idea of the world. And start talking more about the situations where I'm given advice by a brute of a man who thinks he's a sweetheart, or where I'm told the office is not PC at all, or where computers are an unnecessary extravagance that take away from the person-to-person aspect of interacting. Or I at least need to get back to my normal and pleasant state of mind where I'm just really self-effacing, and not ripping apart everyone else while I stand on my pedestal laughing sinisterly (I looked it up and I can use it as an adverb, don't worry) and stroking my mustache while everyone else tries to live up to my incredibly high standards but continues to fail. Muhahahahaha! Oh wait, I'm NOT doing that anymore. Whoops. I'll hold back on the evil chuckle. Sorry.

So, don't fret, this isn't the end of my blog. I would never do that to all seven of you loyal readers!

I'm just going to stop being a whiny, hypocritical baby and get back to my roots. Meaning my tone from 15 posts earlier or so, where I told my stories in a funny, non-bitchy, non-woe-is-me kind of way. I can't claim this bad karma is coming from nowhere if I'm putting it upon myself, can I? And who ever wants to say they brought about bad karma?? NO ONE! You want it to simply happen (well you don't want it to happen really, but if it's going to, you definitely don't want to be responsible for it!), and then you can get your friends or significant other to buy you things or take you out for drinks or give you a back rub!

And then, because you did nothing to earn your crappy karma, you'll end up with the perfect job, have lots of money, upgrade your apartment, get your blog published because it's so witty and endearing and spot on, and live happily ever after! The end.

Doesn't that sound better??

Yeah, I think so too.

I have such a realistic view of life.